(entirely unrelated photo alert)
This month it'll be 11 years since my dad died. I'll have officially lived half my life without a dad and from this point on I'll have spent more time without him than with him. And that sucks.
Losing my dad is something I rarely speak about even with those closest to me, so writing about it for all to see on the internet is probably a pretty odd move. But I guess I feel like I've got something to say about grief, coping and loss.
To say we lost my dad suddenly would be an understatement. One day he was in hospital being treated for a stomach ulcer and would be home soon, the next I was being taken to my headteachers office to be told by my grandma that he'd died that morning (turns out it was cancer, not a stomach ulcer.)
As an 11 year old you're not really armed with the coping mechanisms necessary for a loss of this magnitude. I don't even remember crying when I found out, I just remember thinking it couldn't be true because this is what happens to people in movies and tv shows, not real life and especially not to me and my family. But it turns out life's shitty like that and bad things can happen to anyone at any time - nice optimistic message for you there.
What I've realised over the years is that everyone handles grief differently. While my family wanted to be in the hospital room with my dad's body that day I couldn't bear it, couldn't stand seeing him that way, I didn't want my final memories of him to be that. And so my grandma sat with me in the room opposite, something I'll be forever grateful for.
In fact in hindsight I think my way of coping was to just keep moving. I didn't spend weeks wallowing in sadness, crying 24/7. I didn't go into a self destruct mode and become a bitch who doesn't give a shit about anything/anyone. I just got back to normal and have been living this new normal ever since. Because in a weird way, you just kind of get used to it.
I know some people say when they've lost someone "I think about them everyday," but to be honest, I don't do this. Maybe I do without even realising it, but I don't consciously think every day about my dad and how I lost him and how it isn't bloody fair. Losing dad has just become a part of my life and who I am and it isn't something I really register on a day to day basis because it's so normal for me now. My dad died, I still have to live my life.
That's not to say I don't sometimes feel incredibly sad about it, and when I do I allow myself the time to grieve even this many years after his death. My grandma always says you shouldn't bottle up your emotions and she's a wise woman, so when I feel like having a private cry about it all I do it, and then I carry on. Just releasing those kind of feelings is incredibly cathartic.
As I've got older and made new friends I've realised how having a dead parent can be a bit awkward socially for everyone. When you're getting to know someone new there's rarely an appropriate point in conversation to bring it up. Even when people ask about my parents I feel this almost embarrassment to mention it - instead I'll usually just talk about my mum.
Because bereavement is a little awkward. People don't expect you at 22 to not have a dad, we obviously all usually expect the norm. So when/if people finally ask me what the deal is about him I know it's going to come as a surprise and usually people are caught off guard and don't know what to say. And I hate putting people in that position.
But once I've told you please don't feel like there's an elephant constantly in the room. If you have questions, ask me! Questions about how he died and what that was like, or just simple questions about what he was like. Just because he's dead and I don't talk about him much don't feel like it means he's a taboo topic that can't be discussed.
Hell I'd probably actually like an opportunity to talk about him a little, to be able to feel like I can talk to people honestly about his death and not feel like I'm making them uncomfortable. Yes death is an awkward topic but maybe being able to have more frank and open conversations about it would be a good thing - because we'll all eventually lose someone we love and having people to talk to is an amazing way to work through grief and loss.
So yeh, my dad dying was singularly the worst thing to happen to me thus far in life. It's no doubt shaped who I am as a person now - I don't know whether for the better or for the worse. But it happened and I'm still here living a happy life (...well mostly, we all have shit days right?)
And it feels patronising to say because lord knows I'm no expert on grief, but when it comes to losing someone although it might feel at the time like you can't possibly go on eventually you'll work out your own ways of coping, of how to adjust to your changed life, and things will get easier. They'll never be the same and it will probably always be a part of you, but life won't stop.
0 comments:
Post a Comment